Title: Forgiveness, Part I
7/9/06 14th Sunday in Ordinary Time Yr. B
Luke 6:37-42
Rev. Joy R. Haertig
(This week and next I am not following the assigned scripture/lectionary)
There is a section in Chapter 6 of the Gospel of Luke that contains some wonderful wisdom for our daily lives. They are Jesus teachings and probably include a few thoughts from other wisdom teachers as well, as Jesus quotes someone else's proverb when speaking about the “blind leading the blind”. The portion we read today about not judging others as well as forgiving others is about the give and take of life. It even sounds a bit like what the Hindu's call “karma”. Basically you get what you give, Jesus tells us. A generous nature tends to attract generosity - a closed nature tends to keep people at a distance. Judgement tends to attract judgement and lack of forgiveness can backfire on you.
This Sunday and next I have decided to speak about forgiveness because it's a tough one for most of us - complex and complicated. As always I come to you not as an expert on the topic but as a fellow traveler. I have read two different books this year on this topic and would like to share some of the wisdom of these two fine authors with you.
The first book I will work from today is by Kathleen Fischer and the title is Forgiving Your Family, A Journey of Healing. Next week I will share some thoughts from Flora Slosson Wuellner's book titled Forgiveness the Passionate Journey, Nine Steps of Forgiveness through Jesus' Beatitudes.
One of the things I appreciate about both of these books is the immediate recognition that forgiveness is indeed a journey. Most of the time forgiveness is a process that happens over time not an immediate decision that occurs once and for all. AND, forgiveness, though an intentional process, it does NOT occur by a sheer force of personal will either.
As another author put it - “there are some rocks we can't lift, in fact there are lots of them we should not try to lift by ourselves. We should ask for help.” If you have been trying to travel the journey of forgiveness without any kind of help outside of yourself, you are trying to carry a stone that is too heavy.
And finally, I have also come to believe with all my heart that the journey of forgiveness is one of the most important journeys we can and will take, time and again. If we do not learn the process of forgiveness we can end up carrying a burden that can deeply hurt us, not only emotionally and spiritually, but physically as well. C.S. Lewis wrote, “The gate to hell is locked from the inside”, that is a powerful description of what can happen when we refuse to take the forgiveness journey.
A whole tsunami of feelings can get stirred up when a person has been deeply hurt by someone else. The journey of forgiveness can not begin until you find a way to acknowledge those feelings in a real and constructive way. Too many of us write off our feelings - we are taught that as Christians we are supposed to be nice and we immediately say, “Don't worry about it, I'm fine”. When in reality, you are anything but fine. Kathleen Fisher calls that “pseudoforgiveness”.
The feelings that come with being hurt will take up residence in you if they are not acknowledged and they will often come out in revengeful and hurtful ways. We can use them as an excuse for our own bad behavior.
We need a safe place to share what has happened and what our honest feelings are. Sometimes we can do that with the person that has hurt us, but sometimes we have to begin with someone else - a counselor or a pastor - before we could even begin to face the one who hurt us.
On Friday I was at a lecture and a study was quoted that out of something like 300 people studied that only ½ of them had someone they could confide in. This was very disturbing to me as I considered this part of today's message. (Or an article I read in the paper about the growing interest in “blogging”, an internet term, people sharing intimate aspects of their lives across the internet as if it is trustworthy!)
Who do we talk to if we do not have someone we can confide in? This is a role the church can play as we seek to build trusting relationships.
Prayer can also aid us in this process - it invites God into our angst and allows the healing powers of a loving God to do what we cannot humanly do alone. (Read the Psalms, they are an example of being honest with God no matter what your feelings may be.)
The journey of forgiveness can begin once we have acknowledged our honest feelings; our anger and resentment, and then intentionally choose to not be directed or controlled by them. This first step can take time and baby steps are better than no steps at all.
Mind you, the decision to let go of negative feelings and thoughts, does not mean that the person that hurt you has been acquitted. We are not ignoring the pain or condoning the behavior. You are just electing to move on.
Fisher writes, “a crucial part of the emotional work of forgiveness is the refusal to get even.”
Two weeks ago I expressed my dismay at how governments so often practice “an eye for an eye” - but we can do that too in our most intimate relationships. We think that revenge will make us feel better. Perhaps we do not lash out but we give someone the silent treatment or pull away from an intimate relationship thinking it will solve the problem - but in the long run it just continues the unhappiness.
Kathleen Fisher then suggests that the next step is to work on changing the perspective on the one who hurt us.
She writes:
“To forgive, we must change the way we view the person who hurt us. Usually we cannot make this shift in the first heat of emotion. When a family member offends us, thoughts and feelings reserved for an enemy replace the love we have felt for that person. Instead of the husband, humor, and industry led us to marry him, we see only someone thoughtless, dishonest, and lazy.
We embellish the negative image by recalling his previous offenses and irritating behaviors.
Like a vacuum cleaner, we suck up any other grievances we can find.
To forgive is to reframe your negative picture of a person, letting in awareness of his or her virtues, feelings and beliefs.” (Pg. 6)
Writer Wendy Wright who is also a mother wrote about ending a hard day with her 11-year-old daughter - all she could see was a rude and rebellious child - nothing else. After feelings cooled down and grunts of apologies were made on both sides, she began to see the other parts of her daughter come into view. By the morning they were both down to their regular size and shape again and could even laugh about it.
But - there are times when this step in the journey is not an aid in the process. If we have endured horrible abuse from someone, it is not helpful for us to see him or her in a new light for us to progress towards healing. It may be impossible to do so or it may be too damaging. Sometimes we have to leave this step in God's hands.
The final step in the journey of forgiveness according to Kathleen Fisher is not really a step but an attitude. It is “opening ourselves to the POSSIBILITY of reconciliation.”
Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing and do not necessarily go hand in hand.
“Reconciliation means mutual restoration. Forgiveness on the other hand, is a decision made in an individual's heart.” (Pg. 8)
So we remain open to the possibility if it is a healthy choice and a mutual one. But if not then our journey of forgiveness can still be made even without reconciliation.
For instance, an abused spouse may journey towards forgiveness but it would not be safe for her or him to reconcile with the former partner.
But in other circumstances Fisher writes that “staying open to reconciliation also readies us for grace when it arrives.”
Though I have come to believe that the journey of forgiveness is easier for some people than for others, I don't think it is completely natural for any one. Most of the human race is fascinated with the question, “Who started it?” when the more useful question is, “Who can end it?”
We often confuse forgiveness with the idea of denying our hurt and stuffing our feelings in favor of being nice or by using them as weapons to get back at somebody later.
We often choose the work of carrying around our resentments rather than the work of forgiveness - thinking the first one is easier than the second. But as people of the Book - as followers of Jesus - it is difficult to turn away from the power and purpose of forgiveness as a way of participating in God's kingdom.
“The forgiveness journey is frequently halting and imperfect and each person's journey differs depending on the closeness of a relationship, the seriousness of the injury, and the remorse or lack of it in the offender” (Pg. 3) - writes Kathleen Fisher. Yet she believes that the journey will contain the three fundamental elements which we have touched on today:
The journeys of forgiveness - and the journeys of being forgiven that I have been on, have taught me the most about the give and take of life which Jesus alludes to in the reading today from the Gospel of Luke. Speaking very personally, I know that we as pastor and parish, have been on a journey of forgiveness, particularly due to my divorce and “coming out”. I thank you for traveling with me. It has not been easy but it has shaped me into a better person and again I thank you and God for that.
My former husband David and I have been on a long eight-year journey of forgiveness and it is a gift to begin to see the fruits of that labor.
The journey can ultimately lead to the giving and the receiving of grace and freedom. It's worth it. Amen.